How to Know If You Should Marry - Determining Your Compatibility

If opposites do in fact attract, why do professionals stress that a couple needs to have many similarities before they are a good fit for marriage? There are certain similarities that are absolutely essential for a happy marriage and some differences that enhance the marriage. The fact remains, however, that the most stable marriages are those that involve two people with many similarities.
The similarities a couple shares are like money in the bank. If you have more money saved, when difficulties come you can draw from your "bank" of similarities to help you through hard times. When a couple has fewer similarities, it is like having more debt and not enough money to cover it.

The Most Important Similarities

There are certain similarities which every couple should have for a stable marriage.

1. Intelligence. A couple should have a similar intelligence level. This doesn't mean the same educational level, for many intelligent people never attended college. To be in the same league intellectually, a couple should think about ideas in the same way, and be able to communicate on the same level. It can cause great strains in marriage if one person constantly feels misunderstood or talked down to. A couple doesn't have to be at the same level in how smart they are or how much knowledge and facts they have acquired over the years, but rather in the way that they communicate what they know.

2. Intimacy. Intimacy in this context means the verbal (not sexual) closeness a couple is able to achieve. People don't automatically have the same level of intimacy. One person may be willing to share his or her life more than the other. When marrying someone, you should both have the same intimacy level. This means you should both have the same desires to share your life and be close with one another in a verbal, intimate way.

3. Interests. When a couple shares many interests they have more things to talk about and do together. The more interests they share the better, especially if their interests cover a broad range of life's activities. For example, if a couple enjoys several different activities such as cooking, gardening, sports, and music, their interests cover a broad range of categories and they will have many activities to realize together.

4. Values. It is very important that a couple has the same values. Family life, religion, or career success are examples of important values. Governing personal values determine every choice we make. For instance, if a husband values his family more than his job, if that job requires a move which would not be good for the family, his values will likely determine his choice not to make a move. When tough decisions come up in life, it is a person's values that determine how those hard times are overcome.

5. Expectations about roles. Some couples are very traditional, with the husband as the breadwinner and the wife as the homemaker. Other couples aren't as traditional and find happiness in alternative roles. The critical success factor is that it doesn't matter what roles a couple decides to take, the key is to be in agreement. Sometimes it can be hard to figure out what your future spouse's expectations are. This can be overcome by lots of communication about all the nitty-gritty aspects of life. Ask your future spouse about how he or she feels about a certain role or if he or she wants to have the same role as his or her mother or father.

6. Adaptability. This one similarity can compensate for almost any difference. If both partners have learned to be adaptable then compromise is always possible. It helps the couple to make important adjustments when they find out that they do have certain differences that may be hard to overcome.

Differences That Point to Trouble

1. Money. Money is a part of our everyday life. If a couple's perception or use of money is very different, trouble is bound to follow. A couple needs to have the same idea of how much should be saved, invested, or given to charity.

2. Personal Habits. The small things in life are the ones that irritate the most. Different personal habits can be debilitating. If one person is constantly messy and sloppy, it is bound to continually irritate the other spouse. The following are other habits that cause conflict: dependability, responsibility, cleanliness, punctuality, and personal health.

3. Energy. If one spouse constantly wants to be engaged in one activity or another it will cause problems when the other spouse wants to relax more. One member of the marriage may want to have sex many times a week, but the other simply doesn't have the energy. This can be a powerful irritant over time and requires great flexibility and communication to overcome.

A central key to a successful marriage is to communicate, communicate, and communicate about these issues before making the commitment to marry. A wise man once said, “Go into marriage with your eyes wide open, but through marriage with your eyes half closed.”

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