How to Create a Deeper and Better Relationship
Human beings who spend time together naturally move toward each other to form attachments. This might happen at several levels including becoming more suited to each other in how you think, your social interests, and what you value. A love and romantic relationship includes more than this. A deeper and better relationship exists when two people develop stronger feelings for each other and become more emotionally intimate. They have a sense of closeness that both value which becomes exclusive and unique to the two of them. This exists at the deepest feeling level and can be expressed by what you say, by your affection and sexual attraction, and through acts of love and commitment. This may happen in two ways. It may be a conscious choice where you recognize what you feel as it happens. Or you may discover what you feel and it may seem like a surprise to you. If you can feel it happening you can decided whether you want it to happen or not. If you are surprised by your feelings you must decide what you will do with what you feel. In either case there are some tools you can use to advance a relationship if you wish to.
Give yourself and the other person feelings of freedom. You cannot make the other person feel what you feel.
Begin by recognizing that a sense of freedom is necessary for love to blossom. You cannot force your feelings or the feelings another person might have. No matter how much you care for the other person and wish the feelings to be reciprocated it is the absence of pressure or coercion that matters here. Many of us give in to desire and attempt to pressure the other person. This usually does not work well.
Make yourself attractive and join in interpersonal synchrony (Synchrony is the ebb and flow of how two people communicate and relate to each other.)
You can promote a relationship, without robbing someone of freedom if you do three things. These are making small sacrifices for the other person, increasing the variety of communication between the two of you, and participating in synchrony.
1. When you sacrifice by doing small caring things and not expecting anything in return you invite the other person to do the same thing or at least notice. If this does not happen you may be trying to create a better relationship with someone who doesn't know how or who will exploit you. Too much sacrifice will be too obvious and too much pressure.
2. Increase the variety of communication by talking about new ideas rather than repeat the same things you usually talk about. Introduce new ways of communicating by varying how you act, what you say, and how you say it. Also, spend time asking a lot of questions and then listen. Then the next time you are together, tell a little more about yourself. Then, at another time, create a discussion about what the two of you are alike when you are together.
3. Synchrony is the ebb and flow of two people's speech and actions when they are together. This includes forms of behavior like nodding and smiling when the other person talks, touching in response to being touched, gazing into the other person's eyes and making eye contact, laughing together, and moving in rhythm to each other. Participating in synchrony typically strengthens relationship feelings.
Deepen your understanding of the other person.
Your feelings may be less than the other person or you may feel stronger feelings than the other person. While you are seeing if both of you can feel the same things at the same time it will be useful for you to deepen your understanding of the other person. Even though you may think you know enough, the process of learning is a very powerful motivator. If the other person allows you to learn more it typically is a signal they are still in the game with you. If not, they may be signaling they do not wish the relationship to progress and you might need to face that. If you wish to learn more, and the other person participates, you can do the following:
1. Tell about yourself and see if the other person follows.
2. Ask open ended questions to invite more conversation.
a. "Can you tell me about?"
b. "What do you think about"
c. "I would like to know about"
Measure affection by the level of emotional intimacy.
We have enough evidence to know that physical affection alone is not sufficient to perpetuate a long term love relationship. People who are physically affectionate early in relationships are not as likely to create a committed relationship as people who reserve physical affection until it is supported by emotional intimacy and commitment. (Note: There is some evidence that indicates those who are sexually active before marriage are more likely to have an extramarital affair. Some studies also show that those who are sexually active before marriage (i.e. live together in a sexual relationship) are twice as likely to divorce as people who create emotional intimacy and commitment.
1. Move away from physical affection if there is much question about the other person's level of commitment to you. Participating physically may exploit you.
2. Give and receive affection as a sign of caring but measure it with times when both of you feel close and interested in each other.
3. Accurately describe what you want emotionally and let the other person decided whether to supply it."