How to Commit to Another Person
The word "commitment" is getting at lot of attention lately because so many people appear to be unable to make and keep them. This is especially distressing since more and more people are seeking marriage and the benefits marriage provides for them. We are now seeing four very interesting patterns related to commitment. (1) An increase in living together where more people want to evaluate a relationship before they make legal commitments. (2) Dating patterns now are more likely to include a longer courtship, often for two or three years. (3) The opposite side of commitment where people enter into a surface commitment without much thought or preparation. (4) More people who live alone.
Commitment is a Mental Decision
Instead of thinking about commitment as the result of powerful emotions think of it as a mental decision. The intensity of emotions come and go. If commitment were simply linked to how strongly you feel, then your sense of commitment would come and go as well. When you commit to another person, you are assessing a variety of options, thinking about the requirements involved, evaluating the possible rewards, and then selecting to commit or not. If you wish to improve your sense of commitment then review the foregoing to see if all conditions are right for you.
A Self-Produced Result
After you make the first decision to commit you may not have told anyone about it. This will give you time to try out an important aspect of commitment to see if yours is authentic. This is a willingness to act in order to promote or sustain your feelings of commitment. Instead of thinking your level of commitment is determined by how well the other person treats you, think about your commitment as something you create through your actions toward the other person. Your commitment is more likely if you see yourself actually doing something to promote it. It actually doesn't matter what you do as long as it is constructive and helpful. Try it out. If you set a goal or two and do not carry them out you may want to return and re-evaluate your decision.
Imagine Your Future
The human capacity to anticipate the future becomes an integral part of commitment in an interesting way. When you decide to commit you are at one point and you are thinking about your life at another. If you are hoping for guarantees for the future you will be disappointed. Commitment does not guarantee any specific result. It only gives you the opportunity to work and join in a two person enterprise where both of you can together create good things. Therefore, when you are thinking about making a commitment, see if you can imagine yourself in a variety of situations with the other person. See if you can see yourself at home, at work, on dates, talking with, or visiting friends and relatives. Creating a clear mental representation of what you think might happen is a good way to strengthen your commitment and to help you achieve what you want.
Knowing the Difference
It will be useful for you to understand how you act when you are committed to a person and when you are not. Make a list of ways you might act to see. Then, when alone, see how many committed and uncommitted things you do. You may wish to try out new forms of commitment or redouble your efforts to do something you have tried before. Remember, however, that it is very difficult to consciously make yourself become committed if the relationship rewards are low, if you are not willing to try yourself, and if you assume no responsibility for it. It appears to be true that commitment is at first up to you and then grows if the other person commits too."