I am Divorced and I Am a Single Parent
Besides all the fall out which usually happens as a result of a divorce, when you have children and live as a single parent, you are faced with one of life's hardest challenges. You are alone when it comes to organizing your time with the children. You are mostly alone when it comes to communicating with them and providing discipline. And, if they are young, you are alone when it comes to finding someone to talk with.
Children require attention which requires energy. They require support which calls for work and effort. They have feelings about whether you marry again and sometimes, when you date, or talk about dating, it is disturbing to them. There are three times when children are more likely to display their distress in the form of problems. The first is when the divorce is final. The second is when you think about and start dating someone other than their other parent. And the third time is when or if you marry.
We are interested in helping you find someone who will love you and allow you to love, too. Since many single parents find love, we know there is a way and so we encourage you to consider how to make your children an advantage to you, at least not a disadvantage, as you start the process of meeting and finding someone you are interested in.
Create As Much Stability as Possible and Then Begin
Love can come at any time of course, but generally it thrives when conditions provide support and stability. Create some order and routine in your family and in your personal life. Not boring, stable. Then, if you are finished or mostly over the emotional aftermath of your divorce, and, when you are ready, communicate to your friends that you would like to meet someone. If you are adventurous you might also consider going to activities where singles frequent and check them out for yourself. The place you go will indicate the preferences you have in the person you want to meet.
You will need to take into account the feelings you have about being a divorced person (see the other articles in 'Blossoming Where You Are Planted) but there are many helpful things you can do to resolve past feelings and prepare yourself with confidence to meet someone. Making a few changes in your appearance, a few improvements in your communication, and any new life style changes in what you think and do might be appropriate. Making a few alterations in your life might help you feel a sense of having passed from the past into a better time and give you a sense of newness that will help you meet a new person, create a new relationship, and bring a better life to you and your children.
When to Tell About Your Children
There might be good reasons to avoid telling someone that you have children. Maybe you think that person is single and could not handle the prospect of becoming an instant parent. So the idea is to get deeper and stronger feelings before the announcement is made. You might be guilty or resentful about your divorce and since the children are evidence that you have "failed" at marriage you may not want to explain that. It may be the case that the divorce is still painful and talks about the children bring those feelings to the surface.
Usually, however, and without making a big issue out of it, it is best to disclose the fact that you have children fairly early. It is how you make the disclosure that makes the difference.
If you are reluctant or too anxious you might communicate something other than what you intend; that you are sorry that you have children or that you are embarrassed by the fact that you are divorced. We suggest that you inform the other person that you have truly remarkable, smart, beautiful, and wonderful children. And, that while the marriage did not work out, you are grateful for your children as the best part of your life. Honor your parenthood. It is one of the best things you have done.
When to Meet the Children
It depends on your children's ages and their willingness. If your children are very young it might be best to introduce your children to the person you are dating after you are fairly confident the relationship will progress to marriage. It is hard for young children to meet a new man, or woman, and then have that person leave them. Your divorce brought that about and additional similar experiences often create experiences which harm children. Plus, the person you are dating might like your kids and if you break up, your new friend might have a hard time separating themselves from the friendship created with your children.
When children are in their pre-teens or teenage years, they are more likely to understand dating and its possibilities. They can adjust to the possibility that you are bringing someone to them who might stay for awhile or longer. Take time to prepare them so they will have a chance to know your intentions and you know what each child is thinking about. Your relationship, at this point, is much like a family decision. Prepare them by communicating what you feel and ask for their support. Ask them questions about their feelings and listen. Do not argue or tell them what they must do or ought to do. That may come later if they resist. Help them get their feelings talked out and let them know that at this point, it is just one evening you want them to participate in. Other meetings after than depend both on your children and the person you are dating. If the person you are dating has children, then you will be in a situation where you better understand from both sides. Go slow and let everyone have time to think about what is going on. It is better to go too slow and have children wonder why you are not moving faster than go fast and have them resist it.
If Your Relationship Lasts
Suppose you have dated for awhile. A good rule of thumb is to increase the contact between your children and the person you are dating according to the strength of your feelings. The stronger feelings, the more contact with your children. If possible create a lot of family-like activities so that children can see what life will be like in the regular routine of things. This is generally better than spending all of your time doing exciting things and going to new and exciting places. A few of these might be good, but if marriage happens we are still going to eat meals together, talk about school, go to church, and etc. Focus on those. This will give the person you are dating a chance to form his or her own emotional ties with your children. The stronger these are before marriage the easier time you will have after marriage.
Now that there is additional confidence in your dating relationship it is time for you to concentrate on the idea that you will need to accelerate your efforts and methods of surrounding everyone in the arms of what love is and can be. This is usually necessary because any separation between people who have loved each other creates some worry about whether love can happen and can be trusted. While your children might appear to be openly seeking the affection of a man or woman, they have felt the separation distress which often results from a divorce. To prepare for a new marriage and new family, it is a good idea to address how you all will love each other, what are the methods you use or wish to use, and then demonstrate that. We had one experience where we didn't do that well. Make sure you do not have another."