I Am a Widow or Widower
You will know what it feels like to be abandoned and/or to feel a sense of profound loss. These feelings will vary according to how much you loved and felt loved by your spouse, but abandonment and the loss which comes is usually the result of death and then the sense of loneliness afterward. An intimate love relationship has so many levels of shared events and moments that living after the death of a loved one is the same thing as having memories visit with you that only you know and cannot share well with anyone else. It may even seem like the feelings of abandonment are misplaced because the death was not anyone's fault. Nevertheless, if you feel depressed and sad you are feeling alone and probably a little bit abandoned.
It is a useful thing to think of your feelings as abandonment rather than just loneliness. Recognizing these feelings as abandonment is a healthier beginning of a new relationship. When you meet and date someone and you are motivated to solve your loneliness you are inviting yourself to enter into a dependent relationship where anxieties about being left alone can make you act controlling and possessive. It may also motivate helplessness as a method of keeping a new person close by. None of these promote a healthy love relationship which we hope to help you achieve.
If you recognize the loss as partly abandonment then it means that you have loved deeply and well. It means you valued your previous relationship and you miss it. It also means you may want to keep the memories of that relationship safely tucked away hoping another relationship will not disturb it. Valuing your previous relationship, the lessons you learned from it, and appreciating what love is and can be to human beings, is the very best way to attempt a new start with a new person.
Forming a New Relationship Brings Memories
When you meet someone new and start communicating, the emotional significance of your marriage will come to the surface in the form of memories. While a new relationship can stand some memories, if that is all you think about and talk about it will communicate to the new person you are not ready to consider a friendship or love relationship with him or her. Therefore, you will need to harness your memories and focus on the person you are with. Inquiring to learn and getting the other person to talk will take the focus off you. When it is your turn, sharing ideas and beliefs about yourself may confront you with a sense of disloyalty, but if you go slow you can gradually get to the point where you are willing to begin the process of intimacy with a new person. You do not have to tell everyone at once and neither do you ever have to tell every personal and private experience. If you are serious about loving again, however, you must be willing to gradually and eventually disclose every thing relevant about your life. Because your previous marriage is part of your life, you are going to need to share some things about that.
Honor the Past and Embrace the Present
Loving a new person does not require that you disavow your love for another person. It does not require you think or say anything negative about your previous spouse in order to compliment someone you date. It does not require that you negatively compare a new person with your deceased spouse.
It does require that you have positive communication, honest and interesting reflections on yourself. It will require that you give yourself permission to first pay attention and feel attracted, then find friendship, and then love. Every relationship is unique in some way. Find the benefits of each dating relationship you participate in. This will let you honor the past while you embrace and participate in some of the best relationships of your present life."