I Am Older than 35 and I Have Never Married

We hope you will see the advantages of not having been married and then learn to use them to promote any new relationship you are interested in. To do that we believe it will be important for you to face a few facts. First, if you have never married you may have gone through long periods of self-reflection (and self doubt) and worry about yourself or other people who could and should be asking for dates. Second, you may be more anxious about whether it is ever going to happen without appreciating that anxiety typically is a "limiting" emotion and may negatively influence how you act around other people. For instance, you might do very well communicating with someone over the internet or by phone, but face to face is another story. When that happens you might tighten up, be too quick to find fault, and be pessimistic. This will harm your opportunities. So if true, to be successful in a love relationship, you must begin with the idea that you have a few challenges you need to shake loose from and be willing to try again, hope again, and give people a better chance because they probably are anxious too.

People may ask you, "Why aren't you married?" They might be well intended, but insensitive when they infer that you could be married, if you wanted, and therefore, "What is wrong or why are you waiting!?" Or, you might think when you give your age the other person will think something is wrong with you, otherwise by now you would be married. Further, because we live in a marrying society and you are not married, you might think of yourself as unattractive, undesirable, or flawed in some way. All of these conditions may influence you to avoid people, avoid answering personal questions about your situation, or reduce the confidence you feel and express when you meet someone new. If any of these happen you can create change if you are willing to do a few simple things.

The Reasons

Anyone who is a bit older than the average age for the first marriage in the United States (24 years for women and 27 years for men) knows there are many reasons for not marrying. Some are serious and some are not. These include choosing not to be, not having met the right person, not having enough money, delaying marriage because of school, being too busy, being too picky, being unattractive, being a bad person, having mental problems, being fearful of commitment, being a part of some anti-marriage social group, and so forth.

Take Some Responsibility

Never give control of your life away by blaming your situation on everyone and everything else. A person who asks you about your marital condition may know someone else or this person may be someone whom you have met and find interesting. It is important that you impress the person who asks the question enough so they will act in your behalf or be interested in you. Therefore, the answers you give to their questions, and what you think about the reasons you are not married might make a big difference. Generally, it is best to think and communicate some responsibility for the situation you are in. You can vary your answer to others and to yourself, depending on who is asking the question, but instead of saying, 'I don't know,” or 'I haven't met the right person,” it will be more assertive and attractive if you say, ' I have chosen not to be,” 'I am a truly delightful person but I am learning to be patient.” If you want to have a little fun you could say, 'I am flawed in some way,” or 'I have mental problems,” and then smile. Never giving up full responsibility for your situation, even if you are not fully responsible will communicate you have a least some control over what happens to you. We repeat, if you wish to find someone to love and who will love you then you must believe you can and then make certain you communicate you believe that. That is the first advantage.

State the Advantages

There are times when you think very seriously about your situation and other people's questions are asked with serious intent to know and to understand. You might have met someone potentially interesting and this person wants to know what you think about your situation in order to better understand you. Or you are about to put yourself in some situation where you could meet that person. Fair enough. So, it is important that you know, state, and actually act on some of the advantages. When someone you are interested in asks 'the” questions or you are explaining your situation to yourself consider stating one or more of the following: (1) If you are older you have more experience to lend to any new relationship. (2) If older you have greater emotional maturity (hopefully) and are more stable. (3) If older you are more certain about yourself and less worried about what other people think. (4) You might feel greater self confidence which improves the chances of success in a relationship. (5) You might have a more definite idea about what you want and can commit easier and more definitely. (6) You will have an improved ability to accept and understand others. (7) You might have a greater capacity to love. (8) If older you may have increased interest and skill in creating passion, (9) better communication that helps create great relationships, and (10) better abilities to see the positive and make them work for you.

Act Out the Advantages You Describe

Now, what remains is to actually act on the advantages you give yourself. Instead of avoiding people, feeling flawed or unattractive, tightening up when you meet and talk with someone, think about what you must do to apply any of the advantages you communicate. How do you eliminate the instant judgment of another person? How do you present yourself as interesting and attractive? How many risks are you willing to take to let someone know you? How do you demonstrate greater self confidence? What are examples of emotional maturity? How do I learn to have more skills and interest in creating passion? Do you have examples of better communication such as listening, self disclosing, and open ended question asking? If you know these skills then apply them in any relationship. If you do not, it would be to your advantage to learn more about them!"