I Am Divorced and I made the Decision
Making the decision to divorce someone is likely one of the toughest decisions anyone will be called upon to make. Your partner may have made it necessary for you to decide by his or her mistreatment, betrayal, or indifference. Or, you may have decided to divorce because you wish to be with someone else, wished to end conflict, feel stifled by marriage responsibilities, and/or the idea that you do not love the other person.
Looking back, if you chose to divorce for reasons created by the other person, you may still feel like it was unwanted but necessary. If you have children you may still be sorrowing about the consequences for them. You may have chosen to divorce for less sterling reasons and wish you had not. Regardless of the reasons, it may seem strange to you that you feel some regret and guilt, often great guilt, for the choice you have made. This is not uncommon when someone assumes the responsibility for deciding and the decision has as many uncertainties and complications.
Because we are hoping you will use LDSPromise to improve your confidence and find someone you are confident in, we wish to address the regret and guilt you feel and encourage you to address and resolve them. While these feelings are appropriate when a marriage ends, we believe they do not need to last forever because they are powerful enough to injure your opportunities for future happiness and may even cripple your desire to meet someone and love again. This is because they often create a sense of unworthiness which finds its way into the belief that you do not deserve any happiness. Further, you may feel and express more anger than you wish to and be confronted with intense anger sometimes triggered by very small things. If those aren't bad enough, you may also be vulnerable to depressed moods and episodes of anxiety which are bothersome. These can be sufficiently persistent to make it seem like you would not want to wish yourself on any other person. These feelings and beliefs may influence who you think will find you attractive and who you are attracted to.
What Do You Want For Yourself?
It may seem a bit strange that it is a good thing to begin searching for a new love relationship by thinking about what you want for yourself. This is a useful step to see if you can separate two ideas. These two ideas are: (1) What do you want the other person to be, do for you, or give to you? In other words what you want from that person and how do you hope that person makes you feel. (2) The second idea is what do you want for yourself, which you create. The reason this is necessary is to correct something you may have learned during your divorce which may hinder your search for love again. This is the idea that your feelings, good or bad, have been caused by the actions of someone else. It works like this. Your ex-spouse may have been less loving than you thought, or meaner, or more dishonest than you wanted. The divorce you chose may have been dictated by that person and/or your beliefs about that person. If you begin a search for someone who will be better for you, and that is the only thing you do, you may discover to your dismay that you select a person with the same negative traits as your previous spouse or someone with equally bad, though different problems.
Consider then the idea that you will find someone attractive who is like you at the time you meet. If you are looking for someone who will love you, care for you, bring pleasure to you, and make you happy then the chances are good that the other person is looking for that same thing. This will mean that each is looking more for what they are going to get from the other person than they are about what qualities are necessary to create a genuinely good love relationship. Thinking about what you want for yourself begins with the idea that you will need to examine your goals for yourself, identify forms of behavior you value, and assess how you can display these forms of behavior when you are with the other person. Consider these questions: (1) Do you want to be good at loving someone and how important is that to you? What methods of expressing love do you value and want for yourself? (2) Do you want to be a good partner to someone who also may be willing? What is a good partner to you? Do you communicate openly? Do you act to solve problems quickly or do you pout and sulk? How much do you want this for yourself? (3) Do you wish to be more responsible for how you act than you allow someone else to be? What do you need to do to get rid of blame and criticism and communicate responsibility instead? Are you willing to let go of the anger you feel and might express? How are you going to do that? (4) What other positive qualities do you wish to demonstrate as part of a relationship? Do you wish to be grateful, warm, comforting, aware and sensitive? Do you know how to show these qualities well? Are these qualities what you want? (5) How reactive are you to what other people do? Can you be more in control of yourself or do you need to develop and use manipulative strategies to get the other person to do what you want? If you are filled with regret, guilt, and fear the chances are good you will not want to assume control, but still believe that you can manipulate someone.
Honestly and Sincerely
Honestly facing yourself and thinking about what you sincerely want for yourself will enable you to develop a perspective of the person you would like to be that will aid in your confidence about meeting someone and loving someone as you would like to be loved. The form of honesty we are asking you to demonstrate is honesty with yourself so that you can display that form of honesty with another person. If you deceive yourself, the chances are good you may intentionally or unintentionally deceive others. It is hard to love and feel loved if one or both people are dishonest."